THEGUARDIAN.CO.UK REPORTS / UNITED KINGDOM – Today’s unveiling of the six shortlisted UK Eurovision entries seems even more dispiritingly pointless than usual. We did badly enough at Eurovision when we were just a swaggering warmonger with an artificially inflated sense of entitlement. But now we’ve had Brexit, and Europe knows we hate it, and it hates us in return. This year, the only way we’ll salvage a single dismal point from the whole depressing charade is if we enter a song called Oh God We’re So Unbelievably Sorry performed by an old-fashioned bobby in floods of tears, in German, while juggling baguettes and handing out wads of Euros. Alas, that isn’t the case. Although there isn’t a true duffer in the six finalists, it doesn’t matter what we enter, because our destiny is definitely last place. And, to make matters worse, one of the people tasked with choosing a winner out of this lot is Bruno Tonioli. We’re doomed, but let’s look on the bright side: at least this will be the only time anyone will hear most of these songs.
Olivia Garcia, Freedom Hearts
Hey, it’s Olivia Garcia from The X Factor! Now, Olivia is only 16 years old, and it feels overly cruel to be mean to a child, so let’s focus on the positives. Freedom Hearts has lots of repetition, which bodes well for Eurovision. It also sounds unusually modern (by which I mean like a Rihanna album track from a decade ago).
Holly Brewer – Wish I Loved You More
Hey, it’s Holly Brewer from The X Factor! The bad news is that Holly Brewer is most famous for singing at the wedding of some berk from TOWIE. The good news is that Wish I Loved You More was co-written by a load of Swedish people, so it’s like an actual song and not just a bunch of instruments being slung off a boat. This track is better than Freedom Hearts, because it sounds like an underperforming Rihanna single from 2012. Big chorus, pretty singer. This one could win, which obviously means that it won’t.
Lucie Jones – I Will Never Give Up on You
Hey, it’s Lucie Jones from The X Factor! This is a bland piano ballad that, if it makes it to the Eurovision finals, will be immediately eclipsed by a Ukrainian in a funny hat and someone from FYR Macedonia who sings a song called Bing Bong Poopy Doo and explodes during the key change. Lucie is an all-time top 10 X Factor contestant, but this song is frankly DOA.
Danyl Johnson – Light Up the World
Hey, it’s Danyl Johnson from The X Factor! Unfortunately this song is like the sort of thing an MTV reality show would play in the background if it couldn’t afford the rights to an anonymously bad Gary Barlow tune. The production sounds unfinished, the vocals are dull and it feels like it’s never going to end. Bruno Tonioli will love this, and it’ll win, and that’ll be us stuffed for another year.
Salena Mastroianni – I Don’t Want to Fight
Hey, it’s Salena Mastroianni from The X Factor! This is the most upbeat song of the shortlisted six, which is odd because it appears to be about unilateral global disarmament. At least that’s what I assume it’s about, since the bulk of the lyrics seem like they were written by a three-year-old in a hurry. This one could do well, especially as it continues the grand tradition of having a title that sounds like something you’d hear your neighbours screaming through a wall two days before they announce their separation.
Nate Simpson – What Are We Made Of?
Hey, it’s Nate Simpson from The X Factor! Comfortably the worst of the lot, Nate’s song is one of those woolly piano numbers that might be about war, or politics, or America, or anything really, because its lyrics were picked at random from a series of blandly inspirational Instagram posts. It also sounds like the big torch song from an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical about Gunther von Hagens, which isn’t supposed to be a compliment.